This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?
We're about as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod.
My head... oh, my head... feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and tried to push a whole aubergine up my earhole.
You see the ancient Greeks, your Highness, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it 'Pandora's Box', when of course they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers'.
Ha ! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear.
As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening ear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Blackadder Quotes
Wacky Company Names
Crunchy Technologies — "a technology services and e-business consulting firm"
BabyPressConference.com — "the only live, full-motion video online maternity service"
BigFatWow Inc. — "provides free high-speed Internet access in public areas"
C Me Run Corp. — Internet company "offering consumer-focused application services"
Cybermoola Inc. — "a pioneer in cash-based payment for shopping on the Internet"
Digital Chainsaw — "a Florida-based Web hosting and systems integration company"
eCom eCom.com Inc. — makes "compression and Geo Symbolic Encoding technology"
eWinWin — "a B2B service that lowers costs through demand aggregation"
FreshBreathRUs.com — Web site that has "declared war" on chronic bad breath
Gazoontite.com — an online retailer of asthma and allergy relief products
GooMoo! Inc. — a maker of "multimedia Internet application technology"
Hitsgalore.com Inc. — "a rapidly growing B2B Internet company"
InsuranceNoodle.com — a "complete online insurance solution for small businesses"
Noosh Inc. — B2B service for "the enterprise communications supply chain"
Obongo Inc. — "creators of the i-personalization platform"
Thatbank — "a global provider of e-commerce solutions"
wwWhoosh Inc. — "an end-to-end Internet acceleration software company"
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Funny stories from the USA
In a local radio station the Dj announced a competition and the 3rd person who would give the right answer would win a trip to Las Vegas. After a couple of commercials only two persons phoned in. Couple of minutes pass and no 3rd caller. After a while the phone rings.
The DJ congratulates for the right answer and asks:
- Why didn't you called sooner ?
- I called - answered the woman. - I was the second person too.
***
I went to the movies to see the Passions of Christ. A blond chick was sitting next to me with pumped up bald boyfriend. The first thing what she says after Jesus is caught:
Chick: Will he be hanged, or what ???
Guy: Idiot, the main character, never dies!
***
In a Tv station in Michigan, the news presenter (woman), after there wasn't any snow the previous day, this is what she said to the meteorologist:
- So Bob, where's that 8 incher, what you promised last night?
Not only the guy, but the half of the staff had to leave the studio, they were laughing their asses off, the lady was really embarest, next time she'll think twice before saying something on live TV...
***
At an office the leadership is still figuring out that, how could a man die at his desk and nobody noticed it for 5 days.
And nobody even asked him if he's fine. 51 year old George Turtlebaum, who for 30 years worked as a corrector for a New York firm, had a heart attack in a usual "open office". He shared this office with 23 other co-workers. He passed away quietly on a Monday, but nobody noticed it until Saturday morning, when a janitor asked him why is he still working on the weekend. His boss, Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was the first person in every morning and he was the last one to leave, so it wasn't unusual to see him in the same posture and he doesn't really do anything. He was really dedicated to his work and was solitary." The autopsy confirmed that he died 5 days earlier before he had been found, after a heart attack. Ironically he was correcting a medical text.
TIP: Occasionally poke your colleague from time to time.
LESSON: DON'T WORK TO HARD, NOBODY WILL NOTICE IT ANYWAY!!!
***
At an intersection a Pennsylvanian locomotive engineer left his train, because he's working shift ended. He had a fixed schedule what said that he could only work for 8 hours. The guy left his train in Pottstown's most busiest intersection, he realized that he's not living to far so he walked home. The drivers were left there for more then 2 hours, until the shift change occurred. Funny thing there were only 50 yards to the nearest side track.
Monday, December 10, 2007
A853 vs US Marine
This is an actual real life radio conversation between Galicia and americans. It happened on the navy’s 106 emergency channel near the Galatians coast, Costa de Fisterrán 1997.10.16.
This conversation actually happened, and in march 2005 it was published by the spanish press (every paper). Well what can i say everybody laugh there ass off
**Galicia: (noise in the background)**
This is A853 talking to you, please change your course with 15 degrees south, to south to avoid collision because your coming right at us, distance 25 miles.
**Americans: (noise in the background)**
We advise you to change course with 15 degrees north, to avoid collision
** Galicia:
That's a negative. We repeat change your course with 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
** Americans: (Other voice)
This is the captain of the United States of America Navy’s speaking to you. I insist that you immediately change course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Galicia:
We're sorry but we don't see how that could be possible or necessary because of that we advise you to change course 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
**Americans (really exited, commanding voice)
THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD, FROM THE UNITED STATES USS LINKOLN MOTHER SHIP CAPTAIN, WHICH IS THE SECOND BIGGEST WARSHIP OF THE USA'S FLEET. WE'RE ESCORTED BY 2 ARMOURED CRUISERS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 TRANSEPT, 4 SUBMARINES, WHO CONSTANTLY ARE ASSISTING US.
WE'RE HADING TO THE PERSIAN GULF, TO PERFORME A MILITARY MANUVERE AND TO EXECUTE IT IF THERE IS AN IRAKIAN OFFENSIVE. I'M NOT ASKING YOU, I'M ORDERING YOU TO CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH !!! IF YOU DON'T COMPLY WE'LL BE FORCED TO AKE ACTION TO PROTECT THE NAVYS SECURITY. YOUR MEMBERS OF THE UN AND NATO SO YOUR MEMBERS OF THIS MILITARY CORE!!! I ASK OBEY THIS ORDER AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!!!
**Galicia:
This is Manuel Salas Alcantra speaking. There are only two of us. Our life is protected by a dog, two beers and a man from the Kanari islands who's sleeping right now. The Cadena Dial von la Coruna transmitter and the 106 emergency channel is assisting us. We're not going nowhere, we're talking from dry land to you. This is Finisterrai A-853 lighthouse, near the Galician coast. We have no f.... idea which number we have in the Spanish lighthouse hierarchy. And you can take any action what you like, or you wish to protect your shitty mother ship, because soon enough it going to be wrecked on the Galician cliffs and from this point of view we beg that for your own safety, you should change course 15 degrees south.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Funniest British Laws
1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down.
3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day.
5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter.
6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet. Shocked
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen.
8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armor.
10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Football Jokes
I was at church service in Miami this week and I recognized two football players there, one from the Bears and one from the Colts. After the service, the players lingered. After a few minutes, the Colts player moved to the side of the church, lit a votive candle, knelt, said a prayer and left. The Bears player who had been watching him went to the same spot, looked at the candle, and blew it out. GO BEARS
A Bears fan was driving when he spotted a Colts fan walking along the road. For fun, he swerved near him, veering away just in time. Though he was certain he had missed the guy, he heard a loud THUD. The Bears fan glanced in his mirrors but didn't see anything. "What was that?" he asked friend in the back seat. "I thought I missed that Colts fan.""You did" replied his friend, "But I got him with the door."
A Viking fan, Packer fan and Bears fan all get busted and are given 20 lashes of a whip as penalty. Each person ends up getting one wish for good behavior. The Viking fan starts to cry and asks to be spared. He ends up wishing for a pillow to cover his back. After 10 lashes, the pillow breaks and the Viking fan is left in tears. The Packer fan is next and he begins to beg. He also settles on his wish and asks for two pillows. After 15 lashes, the pillows fall apart and the Packer fan whimpers away. The Bear fan is next and proudly steps forward. The panel of judges, seeing him not start to beg, say they will offer him two wishes for being so brave. The Bears fan thinks for a bit and says, "My first wish is to have 100 lashes." The panel is shocked but grants him this wish. "And for my second wish, I want the Green Bay Packer fan tied to my back.
You all are guilty of at least one of these
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late
Questions and answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Fast jokes
1: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
2: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Lotto Winnar!
4: The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
-Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two, Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
-Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
Did you know ?
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class. That is a hell of a lot of olives.
The percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%. I had to choose this one because I thought it was very sweet.
The percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50 and I chose this one just to show how much of a difference there was between men and women.
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. Now how cheap can people be? It’s nice that people think to call their Fathers on Father’s Day, but they could at least pick up the tab as well.
And finally, (DRUMROLL PLEASE)…..
Turtles can breathe through their butts. What human being could ever imagine being able to breathe through their rear ends. I know I couldn’t
Stuff you never knew
Clara Blandick - actress (Auntie Em in The Wizard of Oz) committed suicide in 1962 by taking sleeping pills, with a plastic bag tied over her head. She was 81-years-old and suffering from crippling arthritis. To me that doesn’t sound like a very pleasant way to go but I suppose if you can’t stand the pain anymore, you will do anything to end it.
Al Capone - Chicago gangster died in 1947 of syphilis. Sounds like a crappy way to go, but I suppose he had fun getting it.
Jeffrey Dahmer - mass murderer was killed in 1994. He was beaten to death with a broomstick by a fellow inmate at the Columbia Correctional Institute. I guess this is what happens when you kill and eat you male lovers because you are afraid of being rejected by them.
R. Budd Dwyer - politician (Pennsylvania) in 1987 he was convicted of bribery and conspiracy in federal court and about to be sentenced. He called a press conference; and there, in front of spectators and TV cameras, he shot himself in the mouth. I chose this one only because I got to witness it. It was very memorable (not in a good way). I was about 10 or 11 and we had gotten out of school early because of snow. This press conference was on the television as I came in the door to my house and only minutes later he pulled the trigger. It was truly a sight, not one I ever need to see again.
Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Squirrel
Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm!
Now I don't care who ya are thats funny right there
Random things you need to know
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing; i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.
(a) "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
(b) "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *ss and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
Monday, October 1, 2007
Great Female Comebacks
Women only !!! I warned you ....
TOO LATE
Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
">Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"
Don't worry guys to be continued ...
I gonna find counter maneuvers for these maneuvers :D
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Hollywood Lessons
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
16. The black guy dies first (specially in horror flicks)
Friday, September 21, 2007
Worst Metaphors
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Election 2000 Bumper Stickers
Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think
I voted - Didn't matter
My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
Don't throw away your vote........
Let Katherine Harris do it for you
Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
I didn't vote for his daddy either
The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
Banana Republicans
George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.
"Those who cast the votes decide nothing.
Those who count the votes decide everything."
-Joseph Stalin
Physics exam
The following is a question on a physics exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that he failed the student who immediately appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct. The university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. It was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer, which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied:
"First, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrt(l/g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane ever to win the Nobel Prize for Physics.
Children's Books That Didn't Make It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. "Pop! Goes The Hamster!"...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Two Cows Explanation of Religion
A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidel
Thursday, September 13, 2007
State Slogans
(okay, some of these are insulting. i know. don't sweat it i'm not talking about you)
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!
Language Goofs from Church Bulletins
These are actual clippings from church newsletters. How boring they'd be if they had been proofread:
*Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
*Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
*Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
*Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
*Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
*Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
*Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
*At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
*Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
*The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
*For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
*The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
*This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
*Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
*The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
*Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
*The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*Due to construction all babies will be baptized in the rear.
*Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please, use large double door at the side entrance.
*The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
Monday, September 3, 2007
Deep Thoughts
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he stinks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night burping. --Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15