Time Stamp

Blackadder Quotes

This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

We're about as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod.

My head... oh, my head... feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and tried to push a whole aubergine up my earhole.

You see the ancient Greeks, your Highness, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it 'Pandora's Box', when of course they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers'.

Ha ! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear.

As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."

A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening ear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.

R&B Hit Wizard

Wacky Company Names

Crunchy Technologies — "a technology services and e-business consulting firm"

BabyPressConference.com — "the only live, full-motion video online maternity service"

BigFatWow Inc. — "provides free high-speed Internet access in public areas"

C Me Run Corp. — Internet company "offering consumer-focused application services"

Cybermoola Inc. — "a pioneer in cash-based payment for shopping on the Internet"

Digital Chainsaw — "a Florida-based Web hosting and systems integration company"

eCom eCom.com Inc. — makes "compression and Geo Symbolic Encoding technology"

eWinWin — "a B2B service that lowers costs through demand aggregation"

FreshBreathRUs.com — Web site that has "declared war" on chronic bad breath

Gazoontite.com — an online retailer of asthma and allergy relief products

GooMoo! Inc. — a maker of "multimedia Internet application technology"

Hitsgalore.com Inc. — "a rapidly growing B2B Internet company"

InsuranceNoodle.com — a "complete online insurance solution for small businesses"

Noosh Inc. — B2B service for "the enterprise communications supply chain"

Obongo Inc. — "creators of the i-personalization platform"

Thatbank — "a global provider of e-commerce solutions"

wwWhoosh Inc. — "an end-to-end Internet acceleration software company"

Funny stories from the USA

In a local radio station the Dj announced a competition and the 3rd person who would give the right answer would win a trip to Las Vegas. After a couple of commercials only two persons phoned in. Couple of minutes pass and no 3rd caller. After a while the phone rings.
The DJ congratulates for the right answer and asks:
- Why didn't you called sooner ?
- I called - answered the woman. - I was the second person too.

***

I went to the movies to see the Passions of Christ. A blond chick was sitting next to me with pumped up bald boyfriend. The first thing what she says after Jesus is caught:
Chick: Will he be hanged, or what ???
Guy: Idiot, the main character, never dies!

***

In a Tv station in Michigan, the news presenter (woman), after there wasn't any snow the previous day, this is what she said to the meteorologist:
- So Bob, where's that 8 incher, what you promised last night?
Not only the guy, but the half of the staff had to leave the studio, they were laughing their asses off, the lady was really embarest, next time she'll think twice before saying something on live TV...

***

At an office the leadership is still figuring out that, how could a man die at his desk and nobody noticed it for 5 days.
And nobody even asked him if he's fine. 51 year old George Turtlebaum, who for 30 years worked as a corrector for a New York firm, had a heart attack in a usual "open office". He shared this office with 23 other co-workers. He passed away quietly on a Monday, but nobody noticed it until Saturday morning, when a janitor asked him why is he still working on the weekend. His boss, Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was the first person in every morning and he was the last one to leave, so it wasn't unusual to see him in the same posture and he doesn't really do anything. He was really dedicated to his work and was solitary." The autopsy confirmed that he died 5 days earlier before he had been found, after a heart attack. Ironically he was correcting a medical text.
TIP: Occasionally poke your colleague from time to time.
LESSON: DON'T WORK TO HARD, NOBODY WILL NOTICE IT ANYWAY!!!

***

At an intersection a Pennsylvanian locomotive engineer left his train, because he's working shift ended. He had a fixed schedule what said that he could only work for 8 hours. The guy left his train in Pottstown's most busiest intersection, he realized that he's not living to far so he walked home. The drivers were left there for more then 2 hours, until the shift change occurred. Funny thing there were only 50 yards to the nearest side track.

A853 vs US Marine

This is an actual real life radio conversation between Galicia and americans. It happened on the navy’s 106 emergency channel near the Galatians coast, Costa de Fisterrán 1997.10.16.

This conversation actually happened, and in march 2005 it was published by the spanish press (every paper). Well what can i say everybody laugh there ass off

**Galicia: (noise in the background)**
This is A853 talking to you, please change your course with 15 degrees south, to south to avoid collision because your coming right at us, distance 25 miles.

**Americans: (noise in the background)**
We advise you to change course with 15 degrees north, to avoid collision

** Galicia:
That's a negative. We repeat change your course with 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

** Americans: (Other voice)
This is the captain of the United States of America Navy’s speaking to you. I insist that you immediately change course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Galicia:
We're sorry but we don't see how that could be possible or necessary because of that we advise you to change course 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

**Americans (really exited, commanding voice)
THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD, FROM THE UNITED STATES USS LINKOLN MOTHER SHIP CAPTAIN, WHICH IS THE SECOND BIGGEST WARSHIP OF THE USA'S FLEET. WE'RE ESCORTED BY 2 ARMOURED CRUISERS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 TRANSEPT, 4 SUBMARINES, WHO CONSTANTLY ARE ASSISTING US.
WE'RE HADING TO THE PERSIAN GULF, TO PERFORME A MILITARY MANUVERE AND TO EXECUTE IT IF THERE IS AN IRAKIAN OFFENSIVE. I'M NOT ASKING YOU, I'M ORDERING YOU TO CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH !!! IF YOU DON'T COMPLY WE'LL BE FORCED TO AKE ACTION TO PROTECT THE NAVYS SECURITY. YOUR MEMBERS OF THE UN AND NATO SO YOUR MEMBERS OF THIS MILITARY CORE!!! I ASK OBEY THIS ORDER AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!!!

**Galicia:
This is Manuel Salas Alcantra speaking. There are only two of us. Our life is protected by a dog, two beers and a man from the Kanari islands who's sleeping right now. The Cadena Dial von la Coruna transmitter and the 106 emergency channel is assisting us. We're not going nowhere, we're talking from dry land to you. This is Finisterrai A-853 lighthouse, near the Galician coast. We have no f.... idea which number we have in the Spanish lighthouse hierarchy. And you can take any action what you like, or you wish to protect your shitty mother ship, because soon enough it going to be wrecked on the Galician cliffs and from this point of view we beg that for your own safety, you should change course 15 degrees south.

Women Vs Man Showering

The truth about Wikipedia

Funniest British Laws

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down.
3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day.
5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter.
6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet. Shocked
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen.
8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armor.
10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

The princess and the frog

Or not :P

New boy friend

It makes you wonder

The King

Sticky notes

Good news and Bad news

Crazy driver

Cow football

yes i'm aware that's not a football ball

Why women shouldn't blind date

One more for the ladies

Football Jokes

I was at church service in Miami this week and I recognized two football players there, one from the Bears and one from the Colts. After the service, the players lingered. After a few minutes, the Colts player moved to the side of the church, lit a votive candle, knelt, said a prayer and left. The Bears player who had been watching him went to the same spot, looked at the candle, and blew it out. GO BEARS

A Bears fan was driving when he spotted a Colts fan walking along the road. For fun, he swerved near him, veering away just in time. Though he was certain he had missed the guy, he heard a loud THUD. The Bears fan glanced in his mirrors but didn't see anything. "What was that?" he asked friend in the back seat. "I thought I missed that Colts fan.""You did" replied his friend, "But I got him with the door."

A Viking fan, Packer fan and Bears fan all get busted and are given 20 lashes of a whip as penalty. Each person ends up getting one wish for good behavior. The Viking fan starts to cry and asks to be spared. He ends up wishing for a pillow to cover his back. After 10 lashes, the pillow breaks and the Viking fan is left in tears. The Packer fan is next and he begins to beg. He also settles on his wish and asks for two pillows. After 15 lashes, the pillows fall apart and the Packer fan whimpers away. The Bear fan is next and proudly steps forward. The panel of judges, seeing him not start to beg, say they will offer him two wishes for being so brave. The Bears fan thinks for a bit and says, "My first wish is to have 100 lashes." The panel is shocked but grants him this wish. "And for my second wish, I want the Green Bay Packer fan tied to my back.

You all are guilty of at least one of these

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late

Questions and answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Fast jokes

1: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

2: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Lotto Winnar!

4: The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
-Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two, Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
-Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!

Did you know ?

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class. That is a hell of a lot of olives.

The percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%. I had to choose this one because I thought it was very sweet.

The percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50 and I chose this one just to show how much of a difference there was between men and women.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. Now how cheap can people be? It’s nice that people think to call their Fathers on Father’s Day, but they could at least pick up the tab as well.

And finally, (DRUMROLL PLEASE)…..

Turtles can breathe through their butts. What human being could ever imagine being able to breathe through their rear ends. I know I couldn’t

Stuff you never knew

Clara Blandick - actress (Auntie Em in The Wizard of Oz) committed suicide in 1962 by taking sleeping pills, with a plastic bag tied over her head. She was 81-years-old and suffering from crippling arthritis. To me that doesn’t sound like a very pleasant way to go but I suppose if you can’t stand the pain anymore, you will do anything to end it.

Al Capone - Chicago gangster died in 1947 of syphilis. Sounds like a crappy way to go, but I suppose he had fun getting it.

Jeffrey Dahmer - mass murderer was killed in 1994. He was beaten to death with a broomstick by a fellow inmate at the Columbia Correctional Institute. I guess this is what happens when you kill and eat you male lovers because you are afraid of being rejected by them.

R. Budd Dwyer - politician (Pennsylvania) in 1987 he was convicted of bribery and conspiracy in federal court and about to be sentenced. He called a press conference; and there, in front of spectators and TV cameras, he shot himself in the mouth. I chose this one only because I got to witness it. It was very memorable (not in a good way). I was about 10 or 11 and we had gotten out of school early because of snow. This press conference was on the television as I came in the door to my house and only minutes later he pulled the trigger. It was truly a sight, not one I ever need to see again.

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

Squirrel

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?

To keep his nuts warm!

Now I don't care who ya are thats funny right there

Random things you need to know

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing; i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.
(a) "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
(b) "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *ss and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

Great Female Comebacks

Women only !!! I warned you ....


TOO LATE


Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
">Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Don't worry guys to be continued ...
I gonna find counter maneuvers for these maneuvers :D

I'm sorry i just had to post it :D

Hollywood Lessons

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
16. The black guy dies first (specially in horror flicks)

Worst Metaphors

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Election 2000 Bumper Stickers

Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think

I voted - Didn't matter

My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President

Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo

Don't throw away your vote........
Let Katherine Harris do it for you

Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.

To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!

One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)

I didn't vote for his daddy either

The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.

Banana Republicans

George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had

Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.

"Those who cast the votes decide nothing.
Those who count the votes decide everything."
-Joseph Stalin

Physics exam

The following is a question on a physics exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that he failed the student who immediately appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct. The university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. It was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer, which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied:

"First, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrt(l/g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane ever to win the Nobel Prize for Physics.

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. "Pop! Goes The Hamster!"...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Two Cows Explanation of Religion

A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidel

State Slogans

(okay, some of these are insulting. i know. don't sweat it i'm not talking about you)

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!

Language Goofs from Church Bulletins

These are actual clippings from church newsletters. How boring they'd be if they had been proofread:

*Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

*Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

*Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

*Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

*Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

*Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

*Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

*At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

*Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

*Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

*The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

*For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

*The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

*This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

*Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

*The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

*Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

*The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

*Due to construction all babies will be baptized in the rear.

*Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please, use large double door at the side entrance.

*The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Deep Thoughts

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he stinks. --Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night burping. --Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

Guess Who

This one isn't really funny as such. Except in a nervous laughter kinda way.

Just for fun, try to identify this outfit of over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

This is just a little scary!

Give up?

Yup - it's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
(really?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure???Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction incidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Man Vs Wild

Carson Daly in Man vs Wild

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Hickphonics/English Dictionary

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts.
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL--noun. A Petroleum based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain' breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job wit that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

So how's your japanese ?

I think i took a wrong turn somewhere

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flue!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Signs That Show You Are From Philadelphia

15. You Hate Dallas

14. You find yourself using "Yo" and "youse guys" when talking long-distance to your family members.

13. You know how to spell Schuylkill.

12. You pronounce ACME as "ACK - A - ME.

11. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain.

10. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens.

9. You visit New York City and are impressed by how clean it is.

8. You believe the car on your left, with turn signal flashing and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you.

7. Street people greet you by your first name.

6. You don't think Wawa sounds funny.

5. Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block.

4. A vacation down the Jersey shore (pronounced "shoore") is better than going to an island (there's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody).

3. You know where to find the Rocky statue.

2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You go only if you're drunk and it's 3:00 a.m.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY........

1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands and you don't even care!

IQ test :)

IQ test for professionals.
The rest of you can take this also.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door. This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong answer:
Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door.

Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door. This question tests your prudence and practicality.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend?

Correct answer:
The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside. This question tests whether or not you have comprehensive thinking skills.

If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualification to be a professional.

4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it?

Correct answer:
Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course).

Don't be frustrated if you failed this test. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most pre-schoolers got it correct, thus disproving the popular theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four-year old.

Identity of Jesus

Scholars have long debated the exact nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.....

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that.....

JESUS WAS BLACK

1. He called everybody "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that.....

JESUS WAS JEWISH

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that.....

JESUS WAS ITALIAN

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that.....

JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that.....

JESUS WAS IRISH

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

And, the most compelling evidence.....

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Foreign Hotel Signs

FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notis.

IN A JAPANESE HOTEL ROOM: Please to Bathe inside the tub.

IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.

IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 A.M. and 11 A.M. daily.

IN A YUGOSLOVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors in the house of repose in the boots of ascension.

ON THE MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make, limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger, roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

IN A HONG KONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

OUTSIDE A HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.

OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for insert bold tagseet walking.

IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.

FROM THE SOVIET WEEKLY: There will be a Moscow Exibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic Painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

IN A VIENNA HOTEL: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm ther hotel porter.

A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden in our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONG KONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the rest of the afternoon having a good time.

IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

ON THE BOX OF A TOY MADE IN HONG KONG: Guranteed to work throughout it's useful life.

DETOUR SIGN IN KYUSHI, JAPAN: Stop: Drive Sideways.

IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today: no ice cream.

IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

IN A TOKYO BAR: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.

IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar.

AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.

IN AN ACUPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself

GM vs. Microsoft

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Laws of Life

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Funny Signs in Great Britain: (but could be anywhere)

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Overworked!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

AND YOU'RE SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER READING JOKES!!!

Redneck Jedi

You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

-You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
-You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
-The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
-Wookies are offended by your B.O.
-You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
-Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the darkside ...it'll be a hoot."
-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
-You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
-Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
-If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle ."

A hard one but it's funny

Don't take it hard it's just a joke.

Why God never received a PhD:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

Funny bumper stickers

Strangers have the best candy

Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go

Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!

I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.

Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes

Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.

We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!

If you're rich, I’m single!

IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE

U.S.M.C. UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN

I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want

(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean car is a sign if sick mind.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Adrenalin is my drug of choice.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.

Beer: making woman look better since 1965.

Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.

Caution -- Driver Legally Blond

CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Death is the consequence of being alive.

Random Thoughts

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
***
Confucious say: "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
***
I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
***
"Sex is like a joke, some people get it and some don't"
***
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
***
A good discussion is like a miniskirt: Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.
***
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
***
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
***
Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder & lightning.
***
"Procrastinate Now!"
***
"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."

Yakov Smirnoff.
***
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station .... what more can I say..........
***
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
***
"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep!
***
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?

Edgar Bergen

Why the party got canceled !!!

Students witnessing this sight suffered the worst trauma ever... BEWARE !!! Oh the humanity :P

College jokes & stories

Relieving Stress in Class

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
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Drug Used to Seduce Men

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...
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College Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
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Worst Comments to Get on Your Finals

10. See me after class.
9. Did you even read the material?
8. It's a C, but it's a strong C.
7. Fascinatingly convoluted.
6. My, what nice, big margins!
5. You must've been up all last night.
4. The book ends differently than the movie.
3. Spelling requires more than just sounding it out.
2. Are you familiar with the term "plagiarism"?
1. Tell your mom to try harder.
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Stoopit Pickup Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!
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Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
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Signs You Have a Hangover

1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
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Signs you are a loser

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it.
2. All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900."
3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club.
4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep.
5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk."
6. Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody."
7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase "Who cares?"
8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.
9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out."
10. You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie Convention Tour.
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By famous people

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

Celebrity short jokes

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. How come Mike Tyson's eye's water during sex?
A. Mace

Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Lame jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out. The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door. On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
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One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.
After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."
About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"
"I'm right year Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"
"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."
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Short jokes

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

Q: Why do woman get their belly buttons pierced?
A: So they have a place to hang a air freshener!

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
Q:What is the difference between a huband and a boyfriend?
A:About 45 minutes !!

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

I wish Martians would conquer the earth and make us their pets, I could really use a new flea leash. The one my wife uses is getting pretty darn short.

Frank Sinatra, "Old Blue Eyes," has died... Frank will now be known as "Old Closed Eyes."

What weighs eight pounds and won't be plucked next Christmas?
John Denver's Guitar.

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?
"Chop chop."

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

What do you call a depressed 60 pound weakling?
A sour cream puff...

http://payloadz.com/go/jump?id=286496&merch_id=49121&aff_id=13852

A long one

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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